i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize