planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
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Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
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If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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