u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
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I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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