First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
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Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
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He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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