A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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