my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
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He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
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You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
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