I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
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LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
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I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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