I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
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I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
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He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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