Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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