when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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