Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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