just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
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I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
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Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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