I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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