just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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