you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
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I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
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Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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