Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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