2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
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I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
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Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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