It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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