thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize