My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
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why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
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No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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