Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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