last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
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Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
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Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
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