I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
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By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
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Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
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