yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
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8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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