we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
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We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
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I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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