my phone needs a breathalizer
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
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