He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
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But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
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What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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