God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
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he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
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I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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