I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
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In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize