Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
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I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
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Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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