Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
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She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
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I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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