I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
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So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
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I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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