He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
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Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
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Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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