I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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