sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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