went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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