omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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