my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
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He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
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Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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