I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
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remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
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You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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