Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
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I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
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Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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