How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
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with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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