i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
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I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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