Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
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Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
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just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
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