I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
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The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
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So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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