Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
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