I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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