So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
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Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
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The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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