Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
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You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
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I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize