all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
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At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
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it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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