I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
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Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
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You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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